My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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