my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
