I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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