i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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