Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
