so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
