: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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