so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
