He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Girls should come with a carfax report
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
