she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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