Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
