Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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