i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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