Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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