Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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