he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I looked at my own cervix.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
