i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
