i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
