I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
