so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
