every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
he's gonorrhea incarnate
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
