Need sex. Gaining weight.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You made out with two different species that night
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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