dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
