Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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