The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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