Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize