people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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