I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
