I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
