I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
