what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
