tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
