You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
