OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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