just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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