At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
