I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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