$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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