I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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