Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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