so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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