I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
