You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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