he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i came on her dog
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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