the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
