so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You have to summon your inner elephant
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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