I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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