I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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