LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
