tonight lets celebrate not being married
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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