I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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