Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
